The Etiquette of Vomiting

That is what this article is called.

I have had my share of drunken vomiting, but never knew there were ways of throwing up stomach contents “with dignity”! Do read, it is very…well….worth reading!!

Thoughts to Think About from House M.D.

I have taken a liking to a Fox TV series on television called House M.D. starring Hugh Laurie. I have faithfully followed it from Season 3 but had never really paid much attention to individual dialogues, I saw the bigger picture or the essentially took every episode as an entity. But I recently discovered that there are dialogues in the show that one can relate to, or rather feel that there is some truth in them. From Season 5, here are some that have stuck with me. I can’t remember if the character who delivers each of the dialogues is House himself or anyone else, or if the words of the dialogues are exactly the same as I am penning down here, but it might be that most or all of them are statements that Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) himself makes in pretty much the same words:

“People don’t change. They may want to or need to, but people don’t change“

“People get what they get, it has nothing to do with what they deserve“

“There is no unconditional love, only unconditional need“

“Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional and be genuinely regretted. Money is always a calculated decision“

“Everybody is happy until they unwrap the pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa“

“There’s a reason we evolved awkwardness; it tells us not to talk about things“

A New Home

A friend recently suggested to Altu-Faltu that it was time to move, to find a new place to call home. And what better place than to be, well, sort of “neighbors”. He has been using wordpress for quite a while and finally managed to convince me that I too would find it more homely.

So here I am, recently moved in from the blogger page. For a while this will be a work in progress as Altu-Faltu settles in and makes the page as homely as possible.

Voices with Soul

This altu-faltu avatar has never had the time, inclination, or the mood to get hooked onto Hindi music. The little I know is all thanks to other people: conversations or playlists of others. My introduction to Hindi music, Bollywood and Indi-pop, began with Abhinav entering my life. He sent me a few lines of one of his then favorite songs as a message. Curiousity exposed me to the voice of Mohit Chauhan. I fell in love with that voice.

Over the last 4 years, I have heard a few songs here and there and liked some, but never enough to make my own playlist of Hindi songs. Abhinav used to play them and I would listen and enjoy them for the time, or the radio would be playing something that would perk my ears up or stir something in me. Most of the time, the lyrics were way beyond me. But I did develop a taste for some songs, the ones with soulful voices and beautiful lyrics. These I now have on the shortest playlist ever.

The most interesting feature that these songs share is not the just soulful voices, the emotions, or the depth in them, but the fact that they are all male vocalists. This afternoon I realized that over the years, all the songs that I have liked are all sung my male singers. Be it Kishore, or even Manna Dey, or be it Mohit Chauhan or Kailash Kher, every single Hindi song that has touched me on some level have the depth that only a male vocalist can bring to the number. I do not say that the songs sung by the likes of Lata and Asha, or any other new female singer, is not good, but the female voice does not seem to carry the soul and emotion that a male voice brings to a song.

I brought up this issue this afternoon while listening to the radio. A spree of male vocalists crooned one after another and then suddenly a female voice shrieked. To me, who does not understand the intricacies of singing, or vocals, it seems that the female voice is to high pitched to be able to bring forth the emotions in the lyrics. The deep voices of the male singers are soothing, touching and stirring. There is something there that awakens the soul of the listener, and can take the listener to a different dimension altogether. To me, it is easier to associate with the emotions of a male vocalist than to those of a female. I’d rather end my day listening to Mohit Chauhan than even the best female playback singer in Bollywood.

About a half hour ago, another song on the radio caught my attention. I had never heard it before, and considering I do not watch Hindi flicks, I had no idea what movie it was from. The music was soothing, the lyrics were nice and the voice was husky and soulful. But this time, it was a female voice. With no idea what name to associate with the song, or movie, I decided I wanted to find it. All I had was the voice of the woman singing and one single word that stood out in the chorus. Took a while, but I did find it.

Iktara from Wake Up, Sid

To me, this is the first song I have heard by a woman that I have wanted to listen to repeatedly.

“Expensive” Penniless Thoughts

I’ve reached the 100th post on my blog. It has been a while coming, perhaps a very long while. This space started when my husband taught be how to start my own blog in 2006 so I would have a place to write down my thoughts. My very own personal space where anything I thought of could be written, and if I was lucky, even read by someone out there in the world. It started as a place where the most random thoughts found a space, so I called it Random Ramblings. And random it was, there was no consistency between my posts, anything and everything got written in this space.

A couple of years ago, while going through a blogroll of a blogosphere friend I found another blog with the same/similar name and decided that it was time to go from Random to something else. The posts would still remain random, but somehow I was never sure as to how many people read my blog. I knew there were a few out there, a couple of them, I have had the pleasure to meet and befriend, but to me it seemed as though I did not need someone to give me a “penny for my thoughts”, they were free and for all to share. They were perhaps unimportant thoughts, but they were my thoughts, and as I had written in one of my posts, it didn’t matter if someone else subscribed to them or not, they were what was inside my head. So was born Penniless Thoughts.

Over the last year, my Penniless Thoughts have proved to be quite expensive. I have poured my heart into this space and one such outpouring undid too much. The last year saw me lose too much and perhaps gain very little. So its time to say goodbye, once again, to a name I thought I would associate with my blog. My blog remains random and my thoughts remain penniless, but my life is now about other things. This will be the last post on Penniless Thoughts. The forthcoming ones will be posted on The Life and Times of Altu-Faltu.

Taken from the title of my favourite book by Ranjit Lal, this space will now be the outpourings of Altu-Faltu (literally translated, this Hindi phrase means good for nothing). The protagonist of the book is a monkey in Delhi named Altu-Faltu. I associate with him, he is naive and even stupid sometimes, a wastrel, and good-for-nothing. But he does go to great lengths to get back the love of his life, Princess Rani. I, too, will go through every process in the hope of one day finding what I have lost over time.

So, to the readers of my blog, from the next post on, welcome into your world Altu-Faltu

Trusting Myself

Flow like the river,

into the open arms of the sea.

Trust the lay of the land to take you there.

Allow the embrace to consume you

and trust yourself with what awaits.

The latent lack of trust within me has allowed weakness to fester. Unnecessary questions arise where none are needed. Over-analysis ruins the moment and time passes into oblivion. I failed to trust myself with myself.

I now allow myself to listen to my life, trust that it is showing me that kind of person I can become. I now trust myself with the process of change.

A fledgling leaps because it trusts it’s wings; a lemming leaps because everyone else is doing it. One is an adventure into new dimensions, the other is suicide.

– From Richard Bach’s Messiah’s Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul

The Storm

The storm rages on

within and without,

throwing up jetsam and flotsam

that remains unexplored on the sand.

Drifting

I want to drift peacefully away

on a wave,

to be carried home

to you.

Confessions of A Lost Soul

Not too long ago I threw my hands up in the air and decided that this was it, that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life trying desperately to keep myself from slipping into the abyss of a depression. I was almost lost in that abyss, taking no pleasure in the company of friends and family, preferring to wallow in my loneliness and self-pity, and allowing my personal blog, my only outlet, to die. Everything seemed bleak and grey, and my state of mind alienated me from everything that I enjoyed. I lost too much and then ended up in the loneliest place I could have gotten myself into. 

I do not completely understand why I am penning this down on a public forum. It is not something I wish to share with the whole world. But perhaps on some level it is my way of telling myself that things get better if only I take the time to look away and find what it is that I am looking for; there is no solace and comfort in a single place or with a single person. The world is out there and unless I open myself up to the innumerable possibilities there are, I’ll never find the peace my mind craves.

I have for too long assumed that life is difficult and that there is no escaping that. Accepting that was hard, for I had festered in a dusty little corner on a creaking rocking chair for too long. I never once considered the possibility of solving my problems myself without the aid of others. It was always someone else’s duty to help me find the answers. And so the answers never came and neither the acumen to deal with reality. So today, I lack the strength, courage and discipline to deal with my insecurities. I have allowed my fears to thrive and take over my life, so much so that now they are too hard to give up.

I looked to others to tell me of my worth, never recognizing my own self-worth. This has made me extremely dependent on my loved ones, adding to their already full plate of emotions. I was always someone else’s responsibility. So dependent am I that even going grocery shopping is a tedious task alone, ashamed as I am to admit it. Gone are the days when I could fend for myself, not have someone else run around for me or with me. I gave up my independence long ago. In all fairness to everyone around me, I know that I have been wrong. A habit that I am trying to kick. I have confused my dependency on others and their willingness to help me as love. And in the event that that “love” is not available, my ego is bruised. 

My efforts to change my ways have all failed. Every single attempt was a “frog in the well” effort. Not once did I consider a world of options. In this process of “trying to change” I have hurt people who are the closest to me. Apologies do not cut it all, the word “sorry” has been lost in translation. 

Loss can be a great teacher, if we open ourselves up to the possibility of learning something completely new. Take away the most important things from a person and there is no choice but to make do with what is left, as tough as it would be, and as much as it would hurt. From somewhere comes the strength to survive. I have lost the most important thing in my life. My biggest fear has now become a reality. And from the deepest recesses of my soul I am looking for the strength to find it again. I am looking for a chance to learn, live and love again.

I write this not to garner sympathies. This is for anyone out there who in times of loneliness and darkness can know that they are not all that unique in their experiences. I hope that for anyone reading this, it brings an understanding for the need to keep growing, that it is possible to find what one truly desires if one can look in the right places. Identify the destination and work towards it. There is love and support all around us should we choose to look. I write this to tell myself that it is possible for me to get back what I have lost, that I have the strength to better myself and find my way in the world. I hope that I emerge a winner at the end of it all, even though for now I am scared.

Strangers Together

I looked for you

in the depths of windswept valleys,

in the mists of silent nights,

in the corners of my favourite room

in the colour of gossamer kites.

You sit opposite me,

smile, talk, laugh, live,

You are there, flesh and blood.

And I still look for you,

in the squares of crosswords,

in the fine print on snow-white pages,

in the deep lines of my palm,

in dreams of our future and long gone ages.

You are at my elbow, in front of me,

I cannot see you, or know you.

The years together have made a stranger of you.